Friday, January 30, 2009


I had a very interesting conversation with an acquaintance of
mine recently. She was telling me that her thirteen year old
son came home from school the other day with condoms which
were given to him in health class.

Now, I don't have kids - nor should I - but I really didn't
understand her anxiety and anger at the teacher, school and
administration of said institution. Instructing kids about the
importance of condoms isn't telling them to go out and have sex...
is it? That was the gist of her displeasure with the school and
it's teachings.

I figure by the time a kid reaches the age of thirteen, they
probably know more about sex than I do. They've had access
to the internet all their lives - and have no doubt seen if not
memorized the Animated Kama Sutra.

Condoms are so commonplace these's not like when
I was younger, let me tell you. Back in the day it took all your
courage and usually a little of a friend's to go to the check out
counter with your box of Trojans. Sheesh...nowadays they're
right at the damned till - between the Dentyne and the
Junior Mints...and they're colored, textured... flavored even!!

Kids these days...they've got it so easy.

So, my advice to parents of young teenagers is this:
Lighten up.

Better your kids learn about safe sex and have condoms
given to them at school than have them find out on their
own what happens without them...right?

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Signs of Life

♪♫ I saw the sign..and it opened up my eyes, I saw the sign..♫♪

They're everywhere - you can't avoid them. They
tell you where to go, how far it is, how fast you can
go to get there. Then there are signs that tell you
where you can't go - and how much it will cost you
if you do. They tell us to stop, yield, keep left,
be cautious, merge, give emergency vehicles the
right of way and so on.

Still, we take these simple messengers for granted -
rarely even giving them a second glance. We know
what we're doing and where we're going...we don't
need a sign to tell us.

So, sometimes, special signs are required. Signs that
glow with pretty lights and warn us of danger. Signs that
we will pay attention to if for no other reason than they are
cool to look at. Signs like this one:

Then, along comes some genius (whom I would definitely
sleep with just for the sheer joy this brought me) who took
it one step further. By cleverly hacking into the computer
that programs said sign, he made it much more attention-
grabbing. Trust me when I tell you that reading this sign
will definitely save your life.

It may also cause a few fender benders as people not
only slam on their brakes, but do quick u-turns in
order to make sure they read it correctly.

Small price for such giggles.

read about it here

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

The Un-Curmudgeoning

Some of you may have noticed the Grace in Small Things
badge on my sidebar.

If you've never heard of it - give it a clickola and check
it out.

I made a promise to a friend that I would do my best to
become more personable and not quite so curmudgeonly...
more 'approachable' was her term. Apparently I am a grumpy
so-and-so who hates everything and everyone. This just
isn't the case!

It's not that I don't like individuals - I have grown quite fond
of many. I just don't really care for people in general. But I
am going to attempt to better my opinion of the populace, and
perhaps the populace's perception of me. (yeah, right)

Don't get me wrong here. I have no intention of becoming a
sweetness-and-light kinda gal. That just isn't me. I also have
little to no interest in doing this every single day as one is
supposed to. That sounds too much like work for me. But every
once in a while, I'd like to share a few things from my life that
make me smile.

So it is with twinkling eye that I present my first Grace in Small Things
- or, the little things in my life that make it more livable.

1) My coffee maker.
It makes great coffee - and it has a timer. This makes my
life and anyone who has to deal with me in the morning's
life a whole lot easier. Trust me.

2) My mailman.
Most postal workers are overpaid putzes...but my mailman
actually takes the time to knock on my door when he has
a package delivery for me - rather than just dumping it
between my doors. I appreciate this to no end. He's also
rather good-looking, which is an added bonus.

3) Frosted windows on cold mornings.
There's just something awe-inspiring about the way frost
paints glass. At least there is before your husband wakes
up and etches pornographic doodles into it.

4) The inability to play my favourite game.
Haven't played World of Warcraft since the end of July -
and yet, I am still friends with all the people I became
close to through that game. If I haven't told you guys
and gals lately...I love you all.

5) My fuzzy socks.
Today, they don't even match. (unless you go by thickness)
The floors are cold - but my toes are cozy warm in my ultra-
fuzzy foot covers. Warm feet are of utmost importance on
days like these. Not only that, but if I shuffle along the floor,
I can create enough static to shock the cats - and that, my
friends, is entertainment you just can't buy.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Medical Mayhem


There is a real shortage of them in our area.
Finding a health care professional in this part
of the country is nigh on impossible.

My GP is the busiest man in town - and is nearing
the age of retirement. It's frightening.

Recently, The Man was fortunate enough to be
taken on by the newest doctor in town after being
without a doctor for years. He had an appointment
with her today and ended up having a heated argument
with her regarding medication for chronic back pain.
It ended with The Man telling the doctor in no uncertain
terms what she could do with her ideals and future
treatment plan.

In short, he is now doctor-less... again.

He's going to need a mortician next - because I'm
going to f*cking kill him. I could not believe it when
he told me what he said and the results thereof.


Anyone want to buy a man?


Sunday, January 25, 2009

Snakes on a Plate

In the realm of food, I think everyone likes
something that their friends and relatives think
they are insane for. Personally, I like coarsely
ground black pepper on fresh strawberries...
Hey - don't knock it until you've tried it!

I like to think I am open-minded when it comes
to trying new foods. Some of them are wondrous
delights...others, not so much. But I do try them.
Well - most of them.

I have an allergy to shellfish and a lot of seafood,
which keeps many of the stranger things off my plate.
There is one thing, however, that has recently been brought
to my attention that I could probably eat - I just
can't bring myself to even try. I cannot wrap my head
around them, much less my tongue.

I'm talking about these:



I have a very close friend who says that eels
are incredibly delicious. To the best of my knowledge
he is completely sane - so I can only assume he is
serious when he says this.

Now, I'm all for delicious...but when delicious comes
in the guise of a slimy water snake, somewhere
something has gone awry. Perhaps that's why
nature made them look so terrible - so we wouldn't
learn of their deliciousness.
(wow, deliciousness actually IS a word!)

It seems, however, that eating eels is not new.
Whilst watching the news over morning coffee, I
was informed that new research has brought to light
the fact that Jesus and his Disciples were depicted
dining on eels and orange slices in the famous painting
of The Last Supper.

So much for bread and wine.

Can you imagine holy communion with eel and orange
slices? Would certainly give sunrise service a whole
new spin - especially if you were hungover!


I realize that the depiction of The Last Supper is strictly
Da Vinci's interpretation - but if the great master thought
that eels were good enough for Jesus, I guess the least I
can do is try them. If and when I do - I'll be sure to let
you know.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Taking the Cake

Years ago, my mother and I took it upon ourselves
to learn fancy cake decorating. We took two classes;
one being festive cakes, the other one wedding cakes.

Knowing how to make really cool cakes was a great way
to impress your friends and co-workers. It's also a
good way to get roped into providing such treats for every
so-and-so who happens to have a birthday, christening,
bar mitzvah, baby shower, bridal party or retirement.

It isn't a cheap hobby to take up. Cake pans are not only
expensive, they are also easily dented - and thus ruined.
A dent in the pan equals a divot in the cake...a big pain in the
butt when it comes time for icing.

Then of course, there are the icing tools. Tips, bags,
colours, spindles, pegs, columns, ad infinitum.

The icing in and of itself is often a royal pain. One smidge
too much liquid and the icing won't hold. Add more sugar,
you end up with candy. It is a delicate balance - and this
is still when it is uncoloured! The addition of colour is
always a gamble. Sometimes it's perfect - and sometimes
you get a colour that nature never intended to exist.

Most cakes take anywhere from 3 to 9 hours to ice
properly (well, if you want it to look good anyway).

So imagine my shock and horror when I saw this:

Yes, that IS a cake. To perfect scale, too.

I can only imagine the time, effort and tears that
went into the smoothing of that fondant icing.

Somewhere, a cake decorator is still weeping and
massaging his/her aching hands.

Long after that enormous cake has become so many
crumbs on the hardwood, the creator of said delight
will have nightmares of it.

A feat of culinary genius it is - but it is doubtful that
little Tommy or whoever appreciated the effort behind it
- or the price tag it came with!
($360.00 - pittance, really)

I no longer do fancy cakes, except for very special people.

After seeing this, I am happy to be retired.

Read the article here.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Snap, Crackle, Pop

Well, the cold has finally snapped.

It's a lovely day today - just barely below zero.
In other words, the January thaw has begun.
It won't last - and it will be painful to see it go -
but for now, it's very pleasant.

The snow is melting off the roof, and the icicles
are crackling and falling from the eaves.

According to my best friend, Jennifer, the cold
weather has headed south. I'd say I'm sorry
to hear that, but I'd be lying.

You see, Jen was a cold-blooded Canadian like
myself - but she moved to Florida and became
one of those wimpy warm-bloods. heh heh

I get such a kick out of my southern friends telling
me how 'cold it is' where they are. Puh-leeeze...!
To say I am amused by this is putting it mildly.
Come and visit me - tell me about your chilly
75 degree weather. Poor babies...

Meanwhile, I am going to enjoy this wonderful
weather we are experiencing before the mercury
once again dips to -30 (that's -22 for you wimps)

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

White Lion, Eye of the Tiger, and Cher...Oh My!

The 80's...I grew up in them.

For better or worse, I was influenced
by the music and culture (reaganomics, just say no, etc)
of the Octogenarius decade.

Know anything about 80's music?

Prove it here.

Because it's...the eye of the tiger, it's the thrill of the fight - rising up to the challenge of your rival...

Incidentally, I scored 98 out of 100 and got all three
bonus questions correct. =)

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Sleezy Like Sunday Morning





"Mrs. Arscott?"

"... mmhmm"

"Congratulations! You have won an all-expense
paid trip to..."


8:22 am.

8:22 AM - ON A SUNDAY!!!

Ya know, I distinctly recall putting my name and
number on a DO NOT CALL list.

This has given credence to my belief that whoever is
behind this No-Contact list is a diabolical genius.

I swear that whoever this mastermind is, he has taken
all the names of people who do not want this kind of
invasion and sold the damned list to telemarketers.

I realize that telephone sales generate millions of
dollars and companies that use such tactics provide
thousands of jobs. Everyone needs a job - of that there
is no question.

BUT - do they have to call before noon on weekends -
or any day for that matter?

Also, does anyone really fall for that 'won a free trip to...'
crap? If it sounds too good to be true, then 9 times out
of 10 it is. Besides, I don't enter contests - it gets your

Sensing a pattern here?

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Of Mice and Men

As previously stated a few days ago, it has been
incredibly cold lately. The cold snap is yet to
break - and thus, things start to get interesting.

For instance: I had a mouse in my house.
Doubtful it is only one mouse, as I truly believe
there is no such thing as A mouse. The cold drives
them to warm and often dangerous places. This
house is very dangerous as we have two cats - both
of whom are avid hunters (much to our chagrin).

The poor little bugger came running full tilt down
the upstairs hallway this morning, squeaking all
the while - a great hulking cat on its tail. It nestled
itself between my feet as I sat at the computer.

Cat, temporarily confused, decided it best to beat
a hasty retreat just in case. I am, after all, the bigger
of the beasts - and what's in my house belongs to me.
Clyde, the cat in question, was not happy about the
situation, but knew there would be other chances.

The tiny rodent sat for a moment, looked up at me,
then made for the safety of the space behind my
bookshelf. Being temporarily stunned by this sudden
turn of events, it never occurred to me to try to
catch the damned thing.

I have no fear of mice or any rodents for that matter.
I simply don't relish the idea of sharing my living
quarters with them. They can be noisy, destructive,
and disease-ridden. Hmmm...sound like children.


The Man and I tried to coax and cajole the creature
into the kitchen where it could be easily herded out
the door. With the assistance of two very keen cats,
we got him to the kitchen - then lost him under the
pantry door. Gah!

Thank goodness we feed the birds. Mr. Mouse was
very quick to find the large bag of birdseed in the
bottom of the pantry.

I've come to realize that mice and men are very
similar. The way to a man's heart is through his
stomach - I think the same can be said for mice.

Mr. Mouse was released back to the chilly wilds
intact and incensed. He gave us more than an
earful as The Man put him outside the back door
into the snow. Better to be cold than cat food, I

Friday, January 16, 2009

Across the Universe

Words are flying out like
endless rain into a paper cup

They slither while they pass

They slip away across the universe

Pools of sorrow waves of joy

are drifting thorough my open mind

Possessing and caressing me

I have always adored that song...

Recently, I picked up the DVD collector's edition
of Across The Universe. It's a three disc set, the
third being the original movie soundtrack.

As a huge Beatles fan, I was ready to hate this movie
and label it as sacrilege and blasphemy. Good to know
I can still admit when I'm wrong.

Anyone who likes the Beatles and has been influenced
at all by their music should really check this movie out.

Believe me, I'm no fan of musicals (with a few minor
exceptions like Jesus Christ Super Star) - but this really
did impress me. The story is beautiful, the cameos are
surprising - and the music is awesome.

A few highlights to watch (and listen) for are Joe Cocker's
spin on Come Together and the main cast's intensely
beautiful rendition of Because.

Check it out, if you haven't already. Even if you aren't
a Beatles still could become one. It isn't too late.

Thursday, January 15, 2009


This is, as my grandfather used to say, a good
day for the KeeKee bird.

What is the keekee bird, you ask?

Well, the keekee bird is a small, but incredibly loud
creature that flies about on days like this calling
"KeeKee...KeeKee...Crap it's COLD!"

I stepped outside to throw a few things in the recycle
bin wearing only my pj's. That was at 8:30 am. It is now
1:30 pm and I still haven't warmed up.

This is the beginning of a classic January Cold Snap.

My cats are sulking as they want desperately to go out -
but only make it as far as the doorstep before retreating to
the warmth of the kitchen. The maple trees in my yard are
creaking stiffly in the northwestern breeze - no doubt they
will lose a few branches should the wind pick up. Everything
is glistening with a heavy frost that even the bright afternoon
sunshine cannot penetrate. It's truly beautiful to see - but that
is this weather's only saving grace.

Lives are disrupted by such weather. Cars don't want to run,
walking any distance requires every piece of clothing you own
and even a few you don't. Exposed skin will be frostbitten in a
matter of seconds. Road conditions are treacherous as well -
as the road surfaces freeze solid and become black ice.

In other words, it's a good day to stay in and stay put.

I offer proof of my claim here.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Back from Nowhere

Okay, okay...

Apparently, a month is too long to be on hiatus.
(sorry, Your Grace...forgive me)

I haven't been up to much lately, just taking it easy
before my grand return to the wage-earning
workforce. Bleh.

Having been cooped up in the house for over a
year and a half, the thought of returning to a 'normal life'
both excites and terrifies me.

Yes, it will be good to be out and about again. But, it will
also be hell having to deal with actual people again. Why do
there have to be so many people?

I turned 40 on Monday. Four whole decades of Lynndom.
Hmph. Who would have thought? Certainly not I.
Personally, I wasn't expecting to live to see thirty...

On a high note, I got a ZUNE for my birthday. It is a very
cool toy. Not only does it hold more songs than I could possibly
listen to - it will be a great tool to assist in blocking out
all the people.

Hopefully, posts will be more exciting as I get back into
the swing of things. If they do not, well, I can always just
go back to hiatus-shire.

It's nice there.