Kann dieses nicht berühren!!

Some things just strike me as incredibly funny.

This, for example:



Why is it funny?

I don't know.

It just is.

Accept it.
Laugh.
Move on.

Hoops!!!

Gah!

What is in these things??

Note that I have included in the picture the list of ingredients.

No comment on the 'nutritional value' - I'm sure that they're

absolutely bursting with vitamins and minerals.

If anyone can tell me what is in these that makes them so damned

addictive I'd be most appreciative.

Honestly, I swear these things are coated in flavored cocaine or something.

Where I work, we have one of those annoying snack machines
in the cafeteria. Normally, I can ignore that machine - but not
when there's HOOPS in it.

I can hear them calling to me...luring me with their evil, barbecue flavor.

I actually broke a ten dollar bill so that I could feed coins into that
infernal machine for more of these things.

Is there therapy for Hoop addiction?

I sure hope so.

I Toad You So

Gangs, gaggles and groups...

If there is more than one of the same thing in the same place at the
same time - then there's a name for it.

Why do I bring this up?

Well, I was recently speaking with an acquaintance of mine about the return of the nice weather and that soon I would have the pleasure of hearing the sound of the peeper frogs and groups of tree toads that congregate near my home in the evenings.

He fixed me with an I'm-smarter-than-you stare, interrupted
me and said 'not'.

"Beg pardon?"

Again he said ''not''.

"Not what, exactly?"

"No, no...tree toads. A group of toads is called a knot. K-N-O-T."

Oh..
(like I needed to know this) Thanks, jerk. J-E-R-K.

It seems that saying there are a bunch of, group of, whole
fuckofalotof whatever just isn't good enough anymore. Now
we need to know the actual name of the particular group.

Did you know, for example:

A group of Finches is called a Charm

A group of frogs is called an Army

A group of Geese on the ground is called a Gaggle, but
a group of Geese in the air is a Skein

A group of Goats is called a Trip

A group of Hares is called a Husk

A group of Kangaroos is called a Mob

A group of Owls is called a Parliament

A group of Rhinos is called a Crash

A group of Whales is called a Pod

And a group of know-it-all acquaintances is called a STFU.

Mustang Sally

I was checking out a few things that The Man had
downloaded on Bit Torrent recently.
(gasp!...illegal downloading..sshhhh!)

A few albums...an updated version of CorelDraw, and...porn.

I have no problem with porn - have been known to watch it
myself, actually. (it's funnier than most comedies these days)

What I found the most amusing however, were the names of some
of these 'porn stars'.

Becky Banger...Tiara Tantric...Lily Luscious...and the list goes on.

Besides the annoying alliteration, these names are just ridiculous.

Everyone knows the 'How to Find Your Porn Star Name' thing - why
don't they use that kind of thing? Incidentally, my porn star name
would be 'Baby Ruth'. How cool is that??

Then there's the comparison between porn stars and children's toys.

My Little Pony(tm) toys had some strange names...Ruby Lips, and
Lickety Split, for example. Sound like something you want your
five year old playing with? Me neither.

To further my point and also to entertain you somewhat, I offer
you a quiz: Porn Star or My Little Pony.

Good bucking luck.




(Click the pretty pony, baby)

A Dedication

I cannot name the person to whom this is dedicated.

I wouldn't do that.

Not that I believe this person would read my blog - I
doubt they would take any interest.

As much as I am loathe to dedicate a song by one of my
favorite groups of all time to such an individual, it's lyrics
ring true - and everytime I have had to speak to this person,
these words go through my head over and over.



Brain-storming habit-forming
battle-warning weary
winsome actor spewing spineless chilling lines ---
the critics falling over to tell themselves he's boring
and really not an awful lot of fun.
Well who the hell can he be
when he's never had V.D.,
and he doesn't even sit on toilet seats?
Court-jesting, never-resting ---
he must be very cunning
to assume an air of dignity
and bless us all with his oratory prowess,
his lame-brained antics and his jumping in the air.
And every night his act's the same
and so it must be all a game of chess he's playing ---
``But you're wrong, Steve: you see, it's only solitaire.''