Random Facts

Hmph.

Three months without a post.

Depression is a wonderful thing, is it not?

I have little to write about and even less to amuse

you with. So instead, I offer you random facts about myself.

First a useful fact - then something completely random.

(but all true)

Okay? Here we go.

Fact:

I do not have a middle name.

Random:

Left to my own devices, I will usually read.

Fact:

I am 40 years of age (41 in 2 weeks)

Random:

I have never been off the North American continent.

Fact:

I am allergic to general anesthetic which classifies me as malignant hyperthermic.

Random:

I am nervous in large crowds of people.

Fact:

I am married, but have no children.

Random:

Given my choice of how I want my steak prepared, I will normally say 'blue'.

Fact:

I have one sibling - an older sister.

Random:

I look horrid in yellow, pink or purple.

Fact:

I own more watches than all of my friends put together.

Random:

My baby toes do not touch the ground.

Fact:

I've been married for 14 years.

(to the same man!!!)

Random:

I think bacon makes anything taste better.

Fact:

I am owned by three cats.

Random:

I sing in the shower.

Fact:

I prefer action movies to chick movies.

Random:

I am easily moved to tears.

(could be the reason for the fact above...I dunno)

Fact:

I hold no firm religious beliefs save that organized religion and organized crime are the same thing...only one has better clothes.

Random:

I am terrified of spiders.

Fact:

I am a caffeine addict.

Random:

I have never been able to get the hang of a yo-yo.

There...

At least it's something.

Now I have to try to remember to update this thing more often.

=)

No Harm, No Fowl

Today is Thanksgiving here in Canada.

Normally I would be cooking a turkey, baking pies,
preparing vegetables and all the other things that
go along with the holiday.

This year though - things are different. With The Man
out of work, and me working for less money and less
hours in retail, the coffers are pretty light around here.

Money spent on a big fancy turkey dinner are more
wisely left in the bank for things like hydro and the gas
bill.

It's sad - but I am determined not to let it get me down.

I have much to be thankful for - even if I do it over
hot dogs instead of turkey.

My family, my friends, my health and my home.
(well, my home for now at least)

I am also thankful for losing my former job. Sounds weird,
but it's true. I never realized how unhappy I was until I
was forced out of there. I miss my co-workers and friends
within the company, but I sure don't miss going into that
soul-sucking environment anymore.

But I digress.

Happiest of Thanksgiving to all my friends and family and
to those just passing by. May you also have much to be
thankful for.

Eenie, Meanie, Minie, Moron

There are times, I find, that I have to ponder the
intelligence of the general populace. Being a card-
carrying member of the human race, I believe I have
every right to question other members on their
outright stupidity.

This morning as I watched the news, I heard a story
about these two schmucks... some knuckle-dragging
morons, who decided it would be a hoot to sneak into
the Calgary Zoo after hours and get into the tiger cage.

Let's see.

Here are some interesting facts about tigers:

They are the largest member of the cat family;
an average adult male weighing in at a mere
660 pounds.

Tigers are fierce, carnivorous predators and are
very territorial.

They have powerfully built legs and shoulders,
giving them the ability to pull down prey substantially
heavier than themselves. (that's 660 lbs...remember?)

Their prey of choice is buffalo, wild boar and other mid
to large size mammals. When prey is scarce, they will
kill other large cats such as leopards. (jeez...!) There have
been documented cases of tigers killing a full sized
rhinoceros.

Tiger jaws can snap shut at 900 lbs/psi.
(holy sh*t!)

They have tremendously large, powerful paws- all
equipped with five razor-sharp retractable claws ranging
from 80 to 100 cm in length.

Tigers see in the dark. Very, very well.

Now, after relating all that, I have a few questions for the
above mentioned addle-pates:

1) how much did you have to drink before this
started to sound like a good idea?
2) do you understand that you are allowed to
say NO when someone dares you to do
something stupid?
3) what did you THINK was going to happen?
4) were you dropped on your heads as children?

Honestly, I think the gene pool is in serious need
of some heavy duty chlorine. I seriously wish
that the tiger had castrated these two oafs.

Had I been there, I'd have cheered the tiger on -
perhaps even going so far as to spray these mental
deficients with gravy or ketchup to make them
more appetizing.

Go, Tigers!


(click the pretty kitty for the story)

Humor Me

I was afforded a rare treat recently.

The Man downloaded a stand-up performance of
Billy Connolly the other night.
(completely legally, of course. ~cough, cough~)

It's title is 'Was It Something I Said' - and I highly
recommend it to anyone and everyone I know.

Connolly is truly one of the funniest men I have ever
seen. His humor is simple, effective and downright
hilarious.

He also shares some of my views on things like religion
and music.

Observe.

Thyme and Punishment

Why does every slightly different occupation seem to have a
special-interest television program now? Are we really that
desperate for entertainment?

Ice Road Truckers, Cake Boss, Coffee House Kings, Loggers,
Deadliest Catch.

The list goes on and on...and on.

I'm waiting for the likes of:
Meter Maids - A Scooter, A Skirt and an Attitude;
or Pimp My Yard - Landscapers, Lawns and Lunacy.

Seriously - it is going to get that bad.

It's got to stop.

Although I don't watch a great deal of television anymore,
I do like a few of the newer crime and investigation series.
The Mentalist and Bones, for example.

So - I've come up with my own idea: Let's combine an
investigative series with a dumb catering/cooking show
and have:

♪♫ dum-ta-da-daaaah ♪♫

Law and Hors D'ouvres - Crime, Cops and Caviar.

Somebody call the Fox Network...I think I've got a hit.



Believe it or not, it really does say 'Crime, Punishment, Food'

And they said Latin wouldn't come in handy.

Pfffft.

It Ads Up

I know that recently I ranted on about a stupid commercial.

Commercials are necessary; I understand this.
How else are we as consumers going to learn the wonders of
the Sham-Wow, Kentucky Fried Chicken's mashed potatoes,
Microwavable milk shakes (yes...it's true), and assorted other
products that we couldn't possibly live another moment
without?

Personally, I don't mind commercials so long as they do not
insult my intelligence or assault me with irritating sounds,
infectious songs (Hotwire, you can go to Hell!) or just
plain banality.

Here is a commercial I saw not that long ago that I find not
only amusing, but very well done. Not only that, but it's for
the best beer on the planet.

Baa-a-a-a-d Company

Do you have what it takes to follow blindly, regardless of what
is going on around you?

Can you turn your head and ignore obvious favoritism, questionable
practices, nepotism, and a blatant disregard for fair treatment of
employees?

If so, We Want You!

We will reward you with crappy hours, strict rules (which you
can break if you get to be one of the precious favored few),
a laughable incentive program and of course, all the stress you
can force yourself to swallow.

If you can do your job quietly, without asking any questions,
without making any waves, just keeping your eyes on the asshole
in front of you - then you have the makings of an exemplary
employee.

It's sheeple like you that make our job easier.

Come.
Join our Team.








And, just for fun - some very appropriate lyrics:
do yourself a favor and check out the song, too.

SHEEP - Pink Floyd (click it for awesomeness)

Harmlessly passing your time in the grassland away;
Only dimly aware of a certain unease in the air.
You'd better watch out!
There may be dogs about
I looked over Jordan, and I've seen
Things are not what they seem.

That's what you get for pretending the danger's not real.
Meek and obedient you follow the leader
Down well trodden corridors into the valley of steel.
What a surprise!
A look of terminal shock in your eyes.
Now things are really what they seem.
No, this is not a bad dream.

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want
He makes me down to lie
Through pastures green He leadeth me the silent waters by.
With bright knives He releaseth my soul.
He maketh me to hang on hooks in high places.
He converteth me to lamb cutlets,
For lo, He hath great power, and great hunger.
When cometh the day we lowly ones,
Through quiet reflection, and great dedication
Master the art of karate,
Lo, we shall rise up,
And then we'll make the bugger's eyes water.

Bleating and babbling we fell on his neck with a scream.
Wave upon wave of demented avengers
March cheerfully out of obscurity into the dream.

Have you heard the news?
The dogs are dead!
You better stay home
And do as you're told.
Get out of the road if you want to grow old.