Thyme and Punishment

Why does every slightly different occupation seem to have a
special-interest television program now? Are we really that
desperate for entertainment?

Ice Road Truckers, Cake Boss, Coffee House Kings, Loggers,
Deadliest Catch.

The list goes on and on...and on.

I'm waiting for the likes of:
Meter Maids - A Scooter, A Skirt and an Attitude;
or Pimp My Yard - Landscapers, Lawns and Lunacy.

Seriously - it is going to get that bad.

It's got to stop.

Although I don't watch a great deal of television anymore,
I do like a few of the newer crime and investigation series.
The Mentalist and Bones, for example.

So - I've come up with my own idea: Let's combine an
investigative series with a dumb catering/cooking show
and have:

♪♫ dum-ta-da-daaaah ♪♫

Law and Hors D'ouvres - Crime, Cops and Caviar.

Somebody call the Fox Network...I think I've got a hit.



Believe it or not, it really does say 'Crime, Punishment, Food'

And they said Latin wouldn't come in handy.

Pfffft.

It Ads Up

I know that recently I ranted on about a stupid commercial.

Commercials are necessary; I understand this.
How else are we as consumers going to learn the wonders of
the Sham-Wow, Kentucky Fried Chicken's mashed potatoes,
Microwavable milk shakes (yes...it's true), and assorted other
products that we couldn't possibly live another moment
without?

Personally, I don't mind commercials so long as they do not
insult my intelligence or assault me with irritating sounds,
infectious songs (Hotwire, you can go to Hell!) or just
plain banality.

Here is a commercial I saw not that long ago that I find not
only amusing, but very well done. Not only that, but it's for
the best beer on the planet.

Baa-a-a-a-d Company

Do you have what it takes to follow blindly, regardless of what
is going on around you?

Can you turn your head and ignore obvious favoritism, questionable
practices, nepotism, and a blatant disregard for fair treatment of
employees?

If so, We Want You!

We will reward you with crappy hours, strict rules (which you
can break if you get to be one of the precious favored few),
a laughable incentive program and of course, all the stress you
can force yourself to swallow.

If you can do your job quietly, without asking any questions,
without making any waves, just keeping your eyes on the asshole
in front of you - then you have the makings of an exemplary
employee.

It's sheeple like you that make our job easier.

Come.
Join our Team.








And, just for fun - some very appropriate lyrics:
do yourself a favor and check out the song, too.

SHEEP - Pink Floyd (click it for awesomeness)

Harmlessly passing your time in the grassland away;
Only dimly aware of a certain unease in the air.
You'd better watch out!
There may be dogs about
I looked over Jordan, and I've seen
Things are not what they seem.

That's what you get for pretending the danger's not real.
Meek and obedient you follow the leader
Down well trodden corridors into the valley of steel.
What a surprise!
A look of terminal shock in your eyes.
Now things are really what they seem.
No, this is not a bad dream.

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want
He makes me down to lie
Through pastures green He leadeth me the silent waters by.
With bright knives He releaseth my soul.
He maketh me to hang on hooks in high places.
He converteth me to lamb cutlets,
For lo, He hath great power, and great hunger.
When cometh the day we lowly ones,
Through quiet reflection, and great dedication
Master the art of karate,
Lo, we shall rise up,
And then we'll make the bugger's eyes water.

Bleating and babbling we fell on his neck with a scream.
Wave upon wave of demented avengers
March cheerfully out of obscurity into the dream.

Have you heard the news?
The dogs are dead!
You better stay home
And do as you're told.
Get out of the road if you want to grow old.

Dining in 'Style'

While watching TV this morning, I saw a television commercial
for Pizza Hut in which a family are blindfolded and then are
'taken to an Italian restaurant'.

We are supposed to believe that this 'family' is driven around for
a little while and then returned to their own home to be served
Pizza Hut's new Tuscani Restaurant-Style Pasta Selections.
Of course, they're all stunned to realize that they are in their
own home and eating take-out from a pizza joint.

I have several problems with this commercial.

One: I've had just about enough blindfolding in commercials.
If you want to impress me with someone wearing a blindfold,
it better come with a last cigarette and a firing squad.

Two: These people are returned to their own home.
WHAT?
How incredibly dense do you have to be to not even recognize the
sounds, smells and feel of your own abode?? They look shocked to
find themselves sitting at their own dining room table - same
uncomfortable chairs...same height to the table. These people are
frickin' morons.

Three: Tuscani Restaurant-Style Pasta selections. Hmmm...
Let's see here.
Restaurant-style dishes...FROM A RESTAURANT!!!! I should
freakin'-well hope so!!!
Gah!

I hate commercials...I really do.

I was in a good mood earlier - now, I'm just pissed off.

Restaurant-style....pfffft.

What a Mangled Web We Weave

So, here I was...washing my hair in the shower this morning when
I happened to look up at the ceiling.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!!!"

Big, spindly-legged spider!

How I hate spiders! They creep me out and give me all sorts
of heebie-jeebies. I know it's ridiculous to be afraid of something
one thousandth of my size. It's a completely irrational fear - and
yet, it is very real.

My hair still full of shampoo, I am now afraid to put my head under
the water and close my eyes for fear that when I open them again
it will be dangling in my face.

As I watched it with revulsion and terror, I noticed that it was
having difficulty making its way across the ceiling due to the
condensation from the steam of the shower.

An idea struck me.

I turned up the hot water.
Steam rose up in billows.

The hideous creature began to scrabble more frantically - its
disgusting legs desperately trying to cling to the wet surface of
the ceiling.

Suddenly, it fell.

Fuck.
Hadn't thought of that.

I leaped back, watching the thing curl up into a wet, broiled ball
in the bottom of the tub.

HA! Take that, foul beast!!

"OWWWW!!!....OWW-OWW-Hot-hot-hot!!!"

Boiling hot water was now scalding my skin - and shampoo was
stinging my eyes.

Small price to pay for victory.

Nature: 0 Lynn: 1

Spiders....gah.

Whine List

I get so tired of the conflicting reports from so-called 'experts' claiming
that such-and-such is good for you, or this is bad for you...or this causes
cancer, this cures cancer...and this - this'll make your nose fall off!

I just finished watching a report on the morning news about the argument
over red wine.

Now, I like red wine. It's got more flavour and more body
than white wine and it compliments most things well...
(particularly Oreos - but let's not go there).

I'm not fooling anyone however, when it comes to the
reasons why I drink red wine. I'm not trying to improve
my health or my oxidant levels...I'm enjoying a glass
(or two) of wine. I couldn't give a rat's ass if it was good
for me or not.

Frankly, I have always found that things that are supposedly
'good for me' tend not to taste so good. Okra comes to mind
....bleh.

Anyway...apparently red wine really IS good for you, provided
you're drinking several thousand litres. Good news for winos,
not so good for your average glass-a-day type.

According to the latest studies, the 'red wine is good for you'
thing is just a myth. One more thing we can chalk up to good
advertising and bad science.

I was happier in my ignorance, I think. Even though I didn't
drink wine for it's supposed health benefits, it still used to give
me a little bit of a happy feeling knowing I was doing something
good for my body. Kind of like eating a chocolate coated granola
bar. The goodness is there - it's just buried under all that yummy
sweet stuff.

Ah well - so much for the illusions of bad habits being good for you.

Next thing I know, they'll be telling me that cigarettes don't have
Vitamin C in them.


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One of Those Days...