What a Mangled Web We Weave

So, here I was...washing my hair in the shower this morning when
I happened to look up at the ceiling.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!!!"

Big, spindly-legged spider!

How I hate spiders! They creep me out and give me all sorts
of heebie-jeebies. I know it's ridiculous to be afraid of something
one thousandth of my size. It's a completely irrational fear - and
yet, it is very real.

My hair still full of shampoo, I am now afraid to put my head under
the water and close my eyes for fear that when I open them again
it will be dangling in my face.

As I watched it with revulsion and terror, I noticed that it was
having difficulty making its way across the ceiling due to the
condensation from the steam of the shower.

An idea struck me.

I turned up the hot water.
Steam rose up in billows.

The hideous creature began to scrabble more frantically - its
disgusting legs desperately trying to cling to the wet surface of
the ceiling.

Suddenly, it fell.

Fuck.
Hadn't thought of that.

I leaped back, watching the thing curl up into a wet, broiled ball
in the bottom of the tub.

HA! Take that, foul beast!!

"OWWWW!!!....OWW-OWW-Hot-hot-hot!!!"

Boiling hot water was now scalding my skin - and shampoo was
stinging my eyes.

Small price to pay for victory.

Nature: 0 Lynn: 1

Spiders....gah.

Whine List

I get so tired of the conflicting reports from so-called 'experts' claiming
that such-and-such is good for you, or this is bad for you...or this causes
cancer, this cures cancer...and this - this'll make your nose fall off!

I just finished watching a report on the morning news about the argument
over red wine.

Now, I like red wine. It's got more flavour and more body
than white wine and it compliments most things well...
(particularly Oreos - but let's not go there).

I'm not fooling anyone however, when it comes to the
reasons why I drink red wine. I'm not trying to improve
my health or my oxidant levels...I'm enjoying a glass
(or two) of wine. I couldn't give a rat's ass if it was good
for me or not.

Frankly, I have always found that things that are supposedly
'good for me' tend not to taste so good. Okra comes to mind
....bleh.

Anyway...apparently red wine really IS good for you, provided
you're drinking several thousand litres. Good news for winos,
not so good for your average glass-a-day type.

According to the latest studies, the 'red wine is good for you'
thing is just a myth. One more thing we can chalk up to good
advertising and bad science.

I was happier in my ignorance, I think. Even though I didn't
drink wine for it's supposed health benefits, it still used to give
me a little bit of a happy feeling knowing I was doing something
good for my body. Kind of like eating a chocolate coated granola
bar. The goodness is there - it's just buried under all that yummy
sweet stuff.

Ah well - so much for the illusions of bad habits being good for you.

Next thing I know, they'll be telling me that cigarettes don't have
Vitamin C in them.


read the article

One of Those Days...

To Bee or Not to Bee

My headspace is cluttered with so much crap.

Sometimes I wonder how I even manage to
function on a daily basis.
I think most of what I do is programmed into 'auto-pilot
'...at least, that's what I'm hoping. Because when I
occasionally have the time to take mental inventory, I am
shocked and appalled by the amount of useless
garbage I find rattling around up there.

BUT - every once in a while, one of those useless
things comes in handy. Kind of like that piece of
copper wire in the bottom of your junk drawer.

The other day at work I was having a conversation
with someone I'm not overly fond of, but for civility's
sake, I remain on amicable speaking terms.

Sadly, I don't remember what we were discussing - only
that I had said that something was impossible. This guy
then starts chirping at me, saying 'Nothing is impossible. If a bumblebee can fly, which is an aerodynamic impossibility, then anything can happen."

Gee...thanks, Hallmark.

Suddenly, facts from days gone by started flooding from all
corners of my brain!

"Actually," I said, "that is a common myth propagated from the
faulty analogy between bees and conventional fixed-wing aircraft.
It became a catch-phrase of every wannabe self-help guru and
pocket-lining pulpit banger who had the audacity to use it without
researching the facts!

Bees' wings are small relative to their bodies. If an airplane were
built the same way, it'd never get off the ground. But bees aren't
like airplanes, they're like helicopters. Their wings work on the
same principle as helicopter blades--to be precise, "reverse-pitch
semi-rotary helicopter blades. A moving airfoil, whether it's a
helicopter blade or a bee wing, generates a lot more lift than a
stationary one."

I found myself staring at a very confused and slightly frightened
co-worker.

I apologized and walked away before I could get into how the bees'
thorax muscles worked in order to make 200 wing beats per second
possible.

Why do I have this stuff in my head????

Time for some cerebral spring cleaning - hopefully before someone
gets hurt.

Working Out

~sigh~

So, The Man is out of work...

It would be nice to say that he's taking the summer off
to enjoy the weather and take a little vacation - but the
fact of the matter is that he's lost his job.

My plans of a new computer system, a vacation of my own
and a little financial breathing space all came crashing down
around my feet last Thursday when he got his notice.

Fun, fun, fun...

Just when you think you're finally back on track, someone
changes the route.

Maybe it's time for a change in venue. There's really not much
around here in the way of gainful employment anymore. He's
too old to join the military (not to mention far too insubordinate)...
he can't speak French, so any government jobs are out - and he
would probably stab someone in the face if he worked in the
food service industry.

I'll be looking into putting my house on the market in the next
month or so, I guess.

Anyone want to buy a 112 year old house???

An Occasional Error

Ever been talking to someone and in the course of the conversation
they use a word or phrase incorrectly?

Usually you let it go, not wanting to draw attention to their
mistake or embarrass them.

I was recently relating a story like this to a friend and co-worker, so
I thought perhaps I would share it here as well.

Years ago, a friend of mine had a big Christmas party and invited
most of the people she knew, both from work and from school. It
was quite the shindig, let me tell you.

Anyway, at this party was another friend of mine, Janice*. Now
Janice had a terrible crush on a certain guy and had never known
how to approach him.

This particular guy, whose name was David, happened to be of the
Jewish persuasion - but had attended the party all the same.
None of us cared about his religion anymore than he cared about ours
- so it was all good. Besides, why miss a good party over something
so trivial?

Under the influence of a little too much Christmas cheer from the
punch bowl, Janice approached me to ask what it was that the Jewish
people celebrated this time of year.

"Hanukkah" I replied. "The phrase is Happy Hanukkah."

She thanked me and stumbled off in search of David.

I happened to be standing within earshot when she found him.

Janice threw her arms around him and in her tipsy and tremulous
voice wished David a "Happy Holocaust!!"

I nearly died.

To this day, every time I think of that night I do two things:

1) cringe and 2) laugh hysterically.

Needless to say, Janice never did get anywhere with David - although
he did forgive her...eventually.


*names have been changed to protect the inebriated.

Kann dieses nicht berühren!!

Some things just strike me as incredibly funny.

This, for example:



Why is it funny?

I don't know.

It just is.

Accept it.
Laugh.
Move on.