Driving to Distraction

Driving home from work last night, I was nearly rear-ended
by some fucknut who was gawking at some chippy on the
sidewalk.

The driver ahead of me put his left signal light on and came
to a stop. So...I stopped as well.

But not Mr. Ogle-Eyes... Oh no.
He was too busy trying to impress some twelve year old
prostitot in a microskirt.

Had I not leaned on my horn (causing the driver ahead
of me to think I was an impatient idiot) I would have had
the lecherous moron in my trunk.

I will admit that when it comes to driving, I get frustrated
really quickly. There are way too many morons out there
with drivers' licenses.

I'm not even going to comment on the cellphone freaks
who are happily talking and texting and whatnot instead of
paying attention to the ton of metal they happen to be
operating.

When I first heard about Road Rage, it seemed like a
bizarre concept. Killing people just because they cut you off
in traffic or whatever.

I believe I understand it now...and fully endorse shooting
people who shouldn't be driving in the first place.
(ok..ok..I don't want them dead, I just want them off the
damned road)

One of my favourite online toons is Neurotically Yours, with
Foamy, the wonderful ranting squirrel.

Foamy has some suggestions for improving peoples' driving.

Please, check it out. You'll be glad you did.


(click the squirrel)

Funny Feelings

Ever get the feeling you're the butt of some cosmic joke that
everyone is in on but you? Or, as Ian Anderson so eloquently said "Do you ever get the feeling that the story's too damned real and in the present tense...or that everybody's on the stage and it feels like you're the only person sitting in the audience..."

Conversations suddenly stop when you show up...and
snickering resumes upon your departure. Sounds like
paranoia, I know - but I've never been the most self-
confident grape on the vine.

Besides...every once in a while, the paranoids are right;
Someone really IS out to get them.

I've got no problem laughing at myself - hell, i do it all
the time. I've got faults aplenty and more than a few
foibles too. I just want to know what's so funny this time
so I can enjoy the joke too - even if it is at my expense.

Sticky Notes

I have had the same song stuck in my head for about
three days now.

Usually, the songs that I get stuck in my bean are
insipid and annoying. You know what I'm talking
about, don't you?

The song Barbie Girl nearly drove me to absolute
distraction a few years back. I hated the song with a
passion - and yet, for some reason never adequately
explained to me, it would get jammed in my brain
and refuse to leave.

When I was in high school, the song You Spin Me
Round (like a record, baby) pushed me to the very
edge of the lunatic fringe. No matter what I did, I
could not shake that stupid song out of there. I would
listen to good music and be fine - but the moment it
was over...
♪♫ You spin me right round baby, right round - like a record baby♫♪

Aaargh!

At least the song I currently have in my head is not a
silly poptart song.
It's called Konstantine, by Something Corporate - and
I really do love it.

Makes me want to play piano again...

Ugh

Yes, it's been over a week since I updated this thing.

Forgive me -- I've been very sick.
I still am, in fact.

There is a horrendous cold/flu/plague going around
these parts. It's highly contagious and unmerciful
in its victim selection.

Last Friday I came home after work feeling alright
except for a bit of a sore throat. I woke up Saturday
morning sounding like a cement mixer, complete with
a chest full of gravel. Happy freakin' Valentines Day to
me.

I also had a low-grade fever which gave my already pale
complexion a nice sickly sheen. Trés sexy, let me tell you.

I am feeling better for the most part, although I still have
a wonderful barking cough that every so often makes me
sound like I swallowed a goose. You know:
~cough, cough...cough...honk...cough~ It's a thing of
beauty, it is.

So, there it is. The reason I haven't updated my blog.
If you require further proof of my illness, please feel free
to stop by. I'm sure I'm probably still contagious.

~honk~

White Noise

~sigh~

I am sick and tired of the small-minded nonsense that
seems to go on in this backwater cracker box of a
town.

I'm not going to go off on an anti-racial slur rant - if I do,
I'll never stop. All I will say is that when it comes to open-
mindedness, this town's collective mind is water-tight.

Which brings to mind the following excerpt from Blazing Saddles...
a truly brilliant film. If ever there was a town that could be
summed up in a fifty-six second clip, it's this one.

Sesame Street-walkers

There is a strange and frightening phenomenon around these
parts; one that makes me wonder if Jerry Springer is putting
something in our drinking water...

Out and about as I was this past weekend, I started noticing
young girls - nay - children dressed like hookers and pole
dancers. These girls could not have been more than nine,
possibly ten years of age. They weren't huddled together
like some pre-teen posse either. They were here and there,
some with parents, some not. Short skirts (like short!),
half-tops, makeup...hell, one of them even had CFM boots!!
(if ya gotta ask...ya don't need to know)

As a society, we are disgusted and appalled when any woman
gets sexually assaulted. No Means No and all that jazz...
BUT - what about all this false advertising going on? Especially
on frickin' children?!

Who is to blame for the way these kids are dressed? MTV...
Whatsherface Cyrus...Barbie?? NO.



Parents.
Plain and simple.

My mother would have sent my head spinning from my shoulders
if I had attempted to leave the house looking even remotely
that slutty. And that would have applied until I was 17!

Now, that having been said, I did see one of these prosti-tots with
an adult woman - arguing about something the little tart wanted.
The woman was about my age - and dressed more or less like
the child - more cleavage, less makeup. Then I heard the
one word that made me shudder:
Grandma.
This was the child's GRANDMOTHER!

I guess apples really don't fall far from the tree.

yes...that is an actual Barbie(tm)
Black Canary Barbie

Sad...no?

Friday, etc.

It's Friday!

For a year and a half or so, I could hardly keep track
of what day it was. Not working tends to make one
lackadaisical when it comes to things like that.
One day is pretty much like the next...

Being back at work for one week has certainly changed
that. Trust me when I tell you that 4:00 PM cannot
come fast enough today. (it's currently 4:49 AM...ugh)

I seem to be doing okay - I'm tired and irritable, but most
people wouldn't say that is anything other than my
robust personality anyway. The medication I am currently
on make me kind of 'fuzzy' and 'not-quite-there' - which
often makes for interesting conversation...But, all in all,
I'm getting by.

Thank you to everyone who wished me well in my return
and who have inquired since then.




I received this award from Jen yesterday with
the instructions that I am to list 5 of my addictions
and then pass it on to my favorite blogger. It seems
silly to pass it back to Jen - who is by far my favorite
blogger. (and also my best friend)

For your amusement, information, blackmail purposes,
whathaveyou - I shall list a few of my addictions:

1) CAFFEINE: ambrosia, lifeblood...that which makes
all things possible. If there is no coffee - there is no Lynn.

2) RECIPE BOOKS: I have far too many - but never enough.

3) MUSIC: It is the language of my life.

4) THE INTERNET: Take away my television, newspapers,
car, husband (please!), just about anything - but I must have
access to the net. It's where all my friends live.

5) CHOCOLATE: Well, d-uh.

Aw...Fudge!

So, I survived my first day back at work.

A lot has changed since I've been away. There
are a lot of new faces, new policies, new stupidities.
It goes with the territory, I guess.

Sadly, one thing hasn't changed. The fact that even
though I am a manager and have come up through
the rank and file - I am only really known for one
thing there.

FUDGE.

That's right...fudge.

I made the mistake of making a batch of fudge and
taking it in to work to share with my colleagues while
we were still in training. Suddenly I was inundated
with requests for fudge. 'It's my mom's birthday and she loves fudge!'...'Will you make me some fudge for my sister?'...'I love your fudge - will you make me some?'
and so on and so on.

One day I printed up a list of the kinds of fudge I can make
(17 in all) and what it would cost to make each variety and
gave it to a coworker who had asked for such a thing. Within
an hour, there must have been 50 copies of that list around
the building - and once again I was approached by people
asking for fudge.

Anyway...when I left work on medical leave, I guess people
went into fudge-withdrawal or something. Upon my return
to work yesterday, I was welcomed back warmly and asked
over and over again...'Do you still make fudge?'

Well...at least I'm remembered for something.

Work Weak

You know...4:00 AM comes really early.
Especially when you aren't used to things like
alarm clocks anymore. It took me about five
minutes to figure out what that annoying noise
was.

Today is the day I return to work.

Yippee.

I suppose I should be thankful that I am well
enough to do so - and yet, a very large part
of me wants to get back in bed, curl up in a ball
and forget that place even exists.

I'm afraid.

Afraid of relapse...afraid of having to field all the
stupid questions I am no doubt going to get...afraid
of stressing out and going postal. All these things
and more keep on clamoring around in my brain - and
I've only had one cup of coffee!! It's too damned
early for this kinda thing...

Well, they can't expect miracles on my first day back,
can they? Knowing my boss, I'm sure I'm already
three miracles behind.

Should I survive the day, I'll let you know how
it goes.

♪♫ Hi-ho...Hi-ho ♫♪